


i fall asleep with the light on but still without you

by lovestruc



Series: ♡ kai's chanhee-centric rambles ! ♡ [1]
Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Breakups, Crying, Flower Shops, Insomnia, M/M, chanhee and youngbin don't really go anywhere, dealing with breakups, lapslock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:33:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26456461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestruc/pseuds/lovestruc
Summary: so i'll make amends,and i'll buy myself flowers,and then when they die i'll be happy that they got me through.---chanhee and moving on.
Relationships: Kang Chanhee | Chani & Kim Youngbin, Past Kang Chanhee | Chani/Kim Youngkyun | Hwiyoung
Series: ♡ kai's chanhee-centric rambles ! ♡ [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1923232
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	i fall asleep with the light on but still without you

**Author's Note:**

> title is from "i love you's" by hailee steinfeld
> 
> enjoy the angst and chanhee character focus.

chanhee laid on his bed in the dark, not wanting to check his phone for what time it was because then he'd look at the messages and he didn't want to look at the messages again.

he was not going to look at anything to remind chanhee of him.

and he was definitely not going to go to the trash can and take out the bracelet that he had given to chanhee.

he was not going to do that.

definitely not.

chanhee sighed as he held the silver bracelet in his hands, sitting on the floor by the trash can he had pulled the bracelet out of. who was he kidding, he couldn't bring himself to get rid of it.

he wanted things to be better, but he didn't know what he wanted to be better.

he wasn't going to say that he wanted to forget him, because he knew that he didn't want that, even if it hurt.

maybe that was his problem. he let himself hurt over things like this.

but he couldn't help himself.

he had to get attached, he had to fall utterly in love with him and get hurt when he wanted to break up.

god, it even hurt to say his name.

he had even said i love you.

chanhee, not him.

of course he couldn't say it. chanhee should have been mad at him, but he couldn't bring himself to be.

he was too attached.

he sighed, his lips parting. he thought of all of the times he had been kissed, his lips touching someone else's.

he got up from the floor, placing the bracelet that he had gotten for their eight month anniversary on his dresser.

he turned his lamp on, sitting on the edge of his bed. 

he told himself not to cry, but that made the tears fall faster.

it hurt, it really did. chanhee knew that love hurt. everything did. but this really hurt.

it hurt badly.

but he shouldn't waste his tears on someone who didn't deserve them.

he was just too far gone to cry about it anymore.

he wished that he knew wasted his breath saying i love you, because he now knew that it was a waste of the air in his lungs.

youngkyun meant nothing to him now.

he laid back down in his bed, his tears slowly stopping and the last ones falling from his cheeks onto the bed below.

he hoped that it hurt for youngkyun too.

but that was just a hope.

and chanhee didn't have the time for hopes anymore.

he slept with the light still on that night, and when he got up later in the night to break down crying on the floor, the lamp was still on.

\---

it was a week later, and chanhee was still trying to heal. 

he still slept with the lamp on, the lamp being the only thing that witnessed his late night breakdowns.

he still hadn't deleted the messages on his phone or thrown away the bracelet that he had been given, he couldn't bring himself to.

even if it felt like rubbing salt in the wound every time he looked at them.

he really did love him.

he loved him.

and maybe he still did a little bit.

\---

chanhee went for a walk in the evening to try to clear his mind. he had read online that it should be good for that, so he hoped it worked, because there was a lot in his mind that he needed to clear.

as he walked around downtown, he thought about the days he had spent here with him.

it hurt to think about him, but maybe this would help clear his mind.

maybe he'd eventually get sick of thinking of it and stop.

but for now, he would think about it.

he saw people sitting on benches and talking, people talking on cell phones as they walked by, and a little girl playing in a stray puddle as her mother watched over her.

it made chanhee smile to see other people in a better state than he was.

he knew that he probably looked like a mess, since he got a maximum of three hours of sleep per night due to his breakdowns, and his eyes being constantly red from the amount of crying he did each day, but he didn't care.

at least it showed people that he wasn't in the best place.

and sometimes people asked him if he was okay, and chanhee didn't know what to say.

was he okay?

he didn't know if he was.

chanhee kept walking, looking at the stores he passed. 

he saw a flower shop, and he had thoughts back to when youngkyun had bought him flowers.

he could say youngkyun's name now, it didn't hurt as much.

they were daises, and they used to be his favorite flowers.

he didn't have one anymore.

chanhee pushed the door of the shop open, hearing the little bell ring as he entered.

he looked at the many, many flowers lining the premises, and walked around a little bit, just looking at the flowers.

he saw a display of daises and stared at it for a few seconds before diverting his attention away from it.

he didn't want to remember the daises from before.

he looked at the large display of roses, in many different colors. he looked around at other flowers, his eyes catching one on type before he turned his attention back to the roses.

roses were pretty.

but peonies were pretty too.

chanhee went to the peonies and picked up a pre-made bouquet of them.

he walked up to the counter in the back, setting the bouquet of peonies down. he waited there for a few seconds before one of the workers walked out of the back, rushing to the counter. he was wearing a green sweater with black jeans, a green apron tied over the whole outfit. his hair was an unnatural shade of red, but chanhee thought that it fit him.

"i'm sorry for the wait, is this everything?"

chanhee nodded, as the employee typed something into the register, 

"that'll be seven twenty five. are you paying in cash or card?"

chanhee pulled out his wallet, counting out the exact amount before handing it to the man behind the counter.

as he was putting the money in the register, he talked a bit with chanhee.

"if you don't mind me asking, what are these peonies for?"

chanhee thought about it, and he didn't know. what were the peonies for? why did he come into the store and buy them?

"they're for myself."

the employee nodded, handing the bouquet to chanhee.

"well, i hope that you enjoy them. have a good night."

"you too."

chanhee held his peonies as he left the store, walking back towards his apartment.

\---

it was the middle of the night again, and chanhee was up again. 

he wasn't crying, only a few tears had fallen from his eyes.

he felt better.

maybe his walk did help him clear his mind.

or maybe it was the guy in the store who had talked to him. 

he looked over at the vase on his dresser, which had the peonies in it. 

he saw the bracelet sitting near it, he still hadn't thrown it away.

and he knew that he probably wouldn't for a while. 

he did feel better. 

he checked the time on his phone, and opened up his messages app. 

he saw the text conversation but didn't look at it for longer than needed. 

he hit delete on the conversation, and blocked the number.

it was what he needed.

he didn't want to, but it's what he really needed.

and it made him feel a bit better.

that night, he turned off his lamp and slept through the night. 

because he didn't need memories of someone else when he had himself to care about. 

he was what mattered.

he didn't need to love anyone else, his love for himself mattered more.

so, he was going to put himself first.

and that started with the peonies and sleeping with the light off.

it was a step in the right direction.


End file.
